His ex came to negotiate the rock

He told me he and his ex were on good terms. As a woman whose last breakup involved negotiating ownership of a pizza cutter, I respected that. Then she arrived at our coffee date carrying a shoebox. Inside was a rock with googly eyes. They'd bought it on vacation, and this was apparently the custody exchange. He said it would take two minutes. She accused him of returning it without its seasonal scarf. He said she'd violated their agreement by exposing it to jazz. Both looked at me for a ruling. I said, "It's a rock." The silence was incredible. You'd think I'd insulted a visiting ambassador. He asked whether I'd be willing to serve as a neutral pickup location. She started showing me a shared calendar with every other weekend blocked out. I left them arguing over whether the rock enjoyed travel. He later texted, "You made this weird." The rock was the only one who hadn't asked me for free labor.