She wanted joint custody of breakfast

She arrived at our picnic carrying a jar in a padded sling. I assumed it was dressing. As a guy whose main picnic skill is remembering forks, I was impressed. Then she introduced me to her sourdough starter, Dennis. Cute hobby. Fine. I waved at the jar because apparently that's who I am outdoors. Halfway through lunch, she handed me a feeding schedule. Not a recipe. A custody arrangement. She wanted me to take Dennis on alternate weekends so he could "experience masculine stability." I explained that we had met forty minutes ago and I wasn't accepting responsibility for anything that burped. She said commitment was clearly difficult for me. Then she opened a spreadsheet listing holidays, preferred flour, and penalties for exposing Dennis to negative language. I asked whether Dennis got a say. She rotated the jar away from me. I left with my unopened chips. That evening she sent a photo of Dennis beside another man's hand with the caption "He stepped up." Good for him. Hope they get a nice toast.